I know it’s been awhile since I’ve graced you all with a blog post. I apologize for my absence but know that it wasn’t in vain, as I was off fighting tigers with my bare hands in the Cambodian Jungle. Or maybe Rambo did that, I watched some movies too, so I’m not entirely sure. But here I am, revved up on raging and ready to rock.
I crave a lot of things all the time. Chocolate. Whiskey. Human scalps. Wait, I mean trips to the alps. Most of all, I crave summer. I like the ocean air, and skateboarding hottays, and the extra kick in Vitamin D.
I’ve also noticed that the skin of scalps tend to be softer. What? I didn’t say something? You must be going crazy.
But how am I supposed to satisfy my hankering for some summertime when ice is falling from the sky in April? Well, I supposed I could move down to South America, but there are a lot of people after me in Colombia, and I’d actually like to keep all 10 of my fingers, so that’s out.
What’s a totally normal and unassuming girl to do? Why make her own summer of course. You can read weather reports and rage at the lying bastard groundhogs, or you can crank bust out the old Beach Boys vinyls, open up a case of Corona and throw a solstice. I know which one I would choose…
So here they are, my secrets to having a summer even when glaciers are falling out of the sky and freezing all of your cut-off wearing dreams:
1. Buy a new swimsuit, wear it in secret: This is the equivalent to wearing a trench coat over lingerie when you go to greet your boo at the airport. It’s definitely more fun when it’s a bikini top and the ties are poking out of your shirt. While I understand that this is primarily a luxury afforded to the ladies, I’ve never been one to tell a man what to wear (unless it’s culottes, a mullet, a chinstrap, a terry cloth jumpsuit, actually consult me before you put on clothes, I lied). Alternatively if you are Daniel Craig, you are always welcum to prance around in those little Casino Royale trunks. No one can object to that! (And if you find someone who does, please let me know? I need to uh, give them a thorough talking to. Don’t worry, it’s not like anyone will wash up in a back bay hahaha!!! That wasn’t a nervous laugh, I swear.)
2. Turn up the heat in your living space: It sounds silly, but it’ll make you schvitz, and schvitzing is good for your skin.
3. Make a summer blockbuster with your friends: Summer is the best season to see films that star Chris Hemsworth and will never win Oscars. What more could you ask for? Now is the perfect time to get out your phone camera, and make an action flick with your friends. Or you can be a little more Nikki Yee about it and make a b-movie or grindhouse. I recommend using chocolate syrup for blood splatter, then you can lick it off of your 10 cent version of Chris Hemsworth or Mila Kunis or whichever hot actor you picked up at your local community theater group. And when you’re ready to get off that casting couch you’ll have something simultaneously terrible and amazing to show your followers just in time for the summer blockbuster season!
4. Celebrate my birthday: My birthday is in the summer and I’m great. Mic drop.
It’s a short list, but all that matters is that your beer is chilled, your shorts are short, and you’re feeling as good as I do on my summer birthday (which I know you are celebrating right now).
Until the sun comes out,